Tales of a Third Grade Troublemaker

Danny was telling stories to Katie and James of when he was in first and third grade.   I was enjoying all the laughter coming from the room, so I listened in closer to hear some of the tales. All but one of the stories ended with , "...then the teacher got really mad and I had to write an apology note." (11/20/12)

Settling It Like Real Men

James and his 3 friends were getting ready to play a game and were deciding on teams. They were repeatedly at odds over who should be partners, their voices escalating to a shout to be heard over the others. James shouted, "Wait! We are going to settle this like real men!" There was an immediate quiet when James began rolling up his sleeves. After a short pause, all 4 boys shouted simultaneously, "ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, SHOOT!" (10/21/12)

The Label

One of the handwritten dividers in Danny's binder is labeled "Grammer". Oh, the irony. (9/10/12)

The Water Dispenser

We have a water and ice dispenser on the outside of our refrigerator door and I used it to give James and his friend some ice water. Watching me fill the cups, James' friend remarked, "Wow! How cool!" and James responded with, "Yeah, we have unlimited water in our house." (9/22/12)

The Bright Side

As the last week of summer vacation was coming to a close, Danny had been dreading the start of school, Katie had been anxiously awaiting it, and James had been rather ambivalent about the whole thing. As we were driving home from a party on Labor Day, James said to me, "I'm pretty happy to be starting school tomorrow. Now I can start looking forward to summer again."  Now that's what I call a true optimist. (9/3/12)

The Bedtime Story Question

In a bedtime story I was reading to Katie, a little girl brought her unicorn to Kindergarten.  It said in the book that the unicorn was very good at counting because everyone knows that unicorns are great at math.  Katie interrupted the story and asked, "Is that true?  Are unicorns really good at math?"  I said, " Well, that's what the story says."  She said, "No. I'm serious.  Are unicorns good at math in real life?"  (7/1/12)

Daddy's Favorite Girl

Katie and I were playing a game of shuffleboard when she turned to Tom and asked, "Daddy, who are you rooting for?"  Tom happily replied, "I'm rooting for my girl!"  She paused for a moment, looked over at me, then turned back to him and said,  "Which girl?"  With a wry smile, he said, "Why, my favorite girl, of course!"  With a look of relief, Katie smiled satisfactorily said, "Oh good, that's me." (6/27/12)

The Go Fish Commentary

James finally gave in to Katie's incessant begging and agreed to play a game of Go Fish with her.  Unfortunately, she did not get a second game from him due to such comments as, "Give me that ace, Mr. Fancy Pants" (6/7/12)

The Mustang

While driving home from track practice, James told me, "When I grow up, I'm going to drive a Mustang.  They are so cool. They have a lot more buttons and technology in them than our van."  I asked him, "When did you see the inside of a Mustang?" and he reminded me of the time he got a ride home with his friend in his dad's Mustang.   I said, "That must've been fun to ride in such a cool car."  James replied, "Yes.  Do you know what I like best about them?"  "What?", I asked.  He said, "I like that they're cramped".  Finding that answer quite funny, I began to laugh and he became very serious.  "What? Why are you laughing?", he asked, "It's true.  They're kind of...um...I don't know how to explain it.  They're cramped."  Unable to contain my laughter, James began to further defend his statement by saying, "This van has too much space in it.  I'm like a fish.  I like things cramped."  He wants a freewheeling life in the style of a Siamese fighting fish.  (5/24/12)

The Ho-mophone

While in the doctor's office waiting room, James and I passed the time discussing lots of different subjects.   In the middle of one of our conversations, he said, "Mom, did you know that the word 'ho(e)' has two different meanings?"  I swallowed hard, and asked, "Oh, really?"  He said, "Yes.  It can be a farmer's tool or it can also be Santa's laugh."  (5/16/12)

The Stupid Question

As Danny walked out of school, he greeted me with, "Can I ask you a question?" I said, "Sure. What's is it?" He hesitated and said, "Oh just forget it. It's a stupid question."  Doling out my words of wisdom, I said, "There are no stupid questions." He replied, "Sure there are.  There are lots of stupid questions!  What if I asked you if one butt cheek was bigger than the other?".  I stood corrected. (4/2/12)

Volleyball

Katie and I were playing "catch" outside when she began to bump the ball with her fists.  She said, "Look, mom, it's just like volleyball!"  "How do you know how to play volleyball?", I asked.   She replied, "I just know.  Do you want to play?"  I said, "Well, we need a net to play volleyball."  With a confused look, she asked, " Who's Annette?" (3/22/12)

The You Tube Account

Danny told us that he wanted a You Tube account so that he could follow the videos that he liked.  Tom and I, being extremely wary when it comes to our kids using the internet, told him that he could create an account but we had to approve of what was being viewed, and he wasn't allowed to upload anything.  Over dinner, he was telling us that he set up the account and asked us to look at it when we were ready.  He then added, "I picked the coolest name for my account."  I said, "Oh? What is the name?"  He replied, "Epic X Videos".  Nearly choking on our food, Tom and I both said simultaneously, "That is not an appropriate name for your account!" and told him that he had to change the name immediately.  Without giving too much information, we explained to him that the words "X videos" referred to videos that were only for adults to see and the name he picked implied adult content.  He said, "Oh! I didn't know that! Sorry. "  Tom said, "I know you didn't know.  Just be sure to change the account name right away". He went to the computer and shouted, " Dad!  I changed the name!  I changed it to 'Epic X Movies!' "  (3/17/12)

The Graphics

 While playing Xbox, Danny asked me, "Mom, what do you think about these graphics?".   Flashing back to the days of Atari and Intellivision , I replied, " I think they're amazing. It's not like the video games I remember."  He then said, " I know! They are so good and this game is from 2007!" (3/10/11)

Politeness Helps

James came downstairs exasperated about the amount of homework he still had left to do.   He had been working in his room for quite sometime and complained, "I have so much homework!  I've been up there for an hour and I still have more to do!"  I asked him, "What do you have left?"    He answered, "I still have to do 'writing'.  I hate 'writing'!"  Trying to buoy his spirits, I said, "But you're so good at it.  You always write such great stories and funny comics at home."  He said, " Yes, at home.  But whenever I have  to write for school, it says 'explain'."  With a slight crack in his voice, he softly said, "I hate that."  Before I could offer my sympathy and advice, he said, "Explain!  Explain!  They could at least say please explain."  With that, he went back to his room and completed his homework.  I guess all he wanted from his writing assignment instructions was a little courtesy.   (2/8/12)

The Lame Excuse

Katie was so enraged with the fact that I wouldn't let her out in a sleeveless summer dress in the middle of winter that she shouted, "You're LAME!".  While going up to her room to serve her time out for talking fresh, she tried to claim that she wasn't referring to me with her insult.  As she loudly stomped up the stairs, she called out, "I wasn't talking about you!  I was talking about the refridgerator!!". She may have learned the word 'lame' from her older brothers, but they apparently didn't teach her their skill of improvising. (2/16/11)

No Reason To Miss School

 Katie came home from school and, as usual, I asked her how her day was.  After telling me some of the routine things,  she casually added, "Oh.  And my friend told me his dad died yesterday."  Taken aback, I replied, "That sounds very, very sad, but that couldn't have happened yesterday because  your friend wouldn't be in school today."  She looked at me point blank and said, "Well, his mom didn't die."  (11/29/11)

The Insults

Danny was telling me about a disagreement he had with a new student who had recently moved here from another state.  He said they were arguing over a play in the touch football game at recess and the argument got heated.  He gave me a summation of the argument and then he said, "He told me he was going to call me the worst "N" word ever!"  Horrified, and unsure if I even wanted to know the answer, I asked, with great trepidation, "What was the word he that called you?"  He paused, looked around, and dramatically said, "He said I was such a New Yorker!"  I laughed with great relief.  I asked him,  "What did you say to that?"  He replied, "Well, I didn't care because I like being a New Yorker.  But I told him I was going to call him the worst "F" word that I know.  I said he was such a Floridian" (1/29/12)

The Card Game

Katie loves all kinds of card games and she constantly asks me to play one with her.  After wearing me down, I finally agreed to play one game of Go Fish if she would set up the cards and call me when she was ready.  She had everything arranged nicely on the kitchen table when she called me in to play.  As soon as I picked up my cards, she happily said, "Mommy!  I have 2 fours also!"  With a knowing smile, I slyly said, "How did you know I had 2 fours?"  and then I couldn't help but laugh.  She had been recently making great strides on curtailing her propensity toward rampant cheating and, realizing what had just happened, she began to cry.   Stunned, because I showed her no signs of anger or annoyance, I asked her why she was crying.  She said, "I feel bad because I cheated by accident!"  (1/24/12)

No Book Thieves

I'm always in a rush when leaving the house to pick up the kids from school.  One day, when I was cutting it particularly close, I inadvertently left without closing the door completely.  Upon arriving home, Danny, who is always first to the door, noticed that it was slightly ajar.  He shouted, "Hey Mom!  The door is open a little bit!"  I replied, "Oh, I must've not closed it all the way when I left.  I was in a rush."   "You know, someone could've robbed us while we were out," he chided.   Continuing our conversation while entering the house, I said, "Yes, well, I was only gone 20 minutes and everything is still here." I jokingly continued, "Our lamps are still here, so are my books..." Danny interjected, "Well the robber can technically still be in the house, Mom.  NOBODY wants to steal books!" (1/26/12)

A Day Off

Katie, who usually looks forward to school, decided that she needed a break from the long, hard workday that is Kindergarten.  One Thursday she asked me, "Do I have school tomorrow?"
"Yes", I answered.   "Aaaaaaw! I go to school EVERY day!", she whined, "Can I be abstinent tomorrow?"
She had to attend school on Friday, but as far as Tom and I are concerned, she can be abstinent forever.  (1/19/12)